A
new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So
next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm.
Upon
his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
A bit of
advice:
1. Sip the
Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There
are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There
are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus
was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do
not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The
Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the
spook.
8. David
slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When
David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned
off his ass.
10. We do
not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When
Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat
it, for it is my body."
He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The
Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The
recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,
yeah God.
14.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
